My spirituality isn’t something I’ve considered in a long time. Sure, I do yoga, I meditate, but what do I see? What do I really see? This situation has brought up something deep inside me – a quest. A quest for something bigger than me, bigger than this world, this solar system, this physical universe…a God, a spirit, something watching over all of us. Something that has a purpose for the world, for me, and for every individual. Spirituality, now that I think of it, is so closely connected to a life’s purpose. How could I separate the two?
So what’s my purpose? A therapist? An organizational development director? A yogi? A chef? A yogi chef therapist? When I met Jay, my mind was so focused on releasing sexual energy, feeling female again, wanting that cougar high. To feel sexy again, to feel like a strong powerful sexy woman in charge, GOD, I wanted that. I knew I had it in me and it just needed a strong target. I felt I found one. God provided me a sexual outlet in Besnik and for that I am so grateful and when I really take a minute to step back and think about it, it’s so shocking it has worked out in such a balanced, respectful way.
But I digress. He appeared on a normal day in my life. A day I was simply doing me. Toastmasters, helping out some fellow friends, giving a speech on exposure therapy. He caught my eye. My blood pressure, my heart rate increased. My instincts kicked in and I knew what I wanted. Stay cool, I told myself, but just be you. He gets my email and I’m thinking about him for weeks, wondering if he’ll appear in my inbox, or my club. I go back to Humorous, wondering if I’ll see him there. Time passes and I forget. Suddenly during a mundane everyday moment, i see him on the subway and I’m stuck…staring, trying to decide in the moment what to do. My heart is racing. I look awful today! Why?! He gets up and stands next to me and I can’t escape. I say hello. Small talk quickly moves to medium talk but man, I’m awkward. I’m babbling. He writes me and I’m so excited to hear from him. I expect to see him again over the next couple of weeks but he doesn’t appear. I muster some strength and write to him, I’m asking him out in disguise. “I want to hear your story.” I do, though. I get excited and he cancels last minute. I’m disappointed but I get over it. Wasn’t meant to be. Now this. This overpouring of deep experiences, spiritual enlightenment, deep stuff. My head is spinning. I’m feeling so pensive. Sleep is the only way out. G’nite, blog.